October 31: #7 – TLMC – Coping Skills for Loneliness

We talked about coping strategies and what I can do when I get the feeling of loneliness.

First I described to her the image I see in my head when I feel lonely. It is the Wechat start-up page image. Basically a small skinny girl all alone, sitting on top of the world in outer space, looking out into the universe. The image is in black and white. The focus is on the contrast between the small body of the girl and the vast universe and the far away stars. This creates the feeling that she is all alone, lost, confused, looking into a far away space.

Then we talked about possible ways to make myself feel better

• Swimming in it: As much as loneliness is a painful and awful feeling, it feels comfortable and I want to feel it sometimes. I want it. So, sometimes I would want to swim in it. But I have to remember that, by dragging myself in it, I’ll eventually be stuck in it. It’ll get me no where. It’ll just suck me in and make it harder for me to get out.
• Reading in bed: gives me the same ‘cozy’ feeling and the feeling of being ‘hugged’ and surrounded by things I like
• Talking to Teddy Bear
• Listening to old songs/ The Bealtes: I grew up with them. So by listening to their music, it’s like I’m listening to the voices of my 4 best friends. They’re someone close to me and I don’t just listen to their voice, I analyze their voice.
• Going on bus rides because of the seatbelts and the drowning sensation of the rocking  bus
• Placing heavy bags on my lap
• Repeating the motto that: The worst loneliness can do, is make me cry or bring other painful feelings. I’ll still be here at the end of it!
• Think self-soothing thoughts

When she suggested thinking about an image of the past of a wonderful time in the past, I teared up again. I thought about High School, my home in Shanghai and the area I used to live in. I hit me hard and made me sad because of how different things turned out – then and now. Not that things are bad necessarily, but just different and painful. I was so ignorant. Life was so happy back then. Life before knowing the evil of mental health. Another reason why I teared up so easily was because I recognized I was under so much stress. Anything that made me ‘feel’ made me tear up.

Homework: Make a log of all the instances where you feel loneliness this week

October 30: Dr. MT Wong – Maybe Bipolar

Saw Dr. Wong on Tuesday. It was nice to finally see him. I haven’t seen him in almost a month. And this time, when he asked me how I was doing, I replied: “Good. Really good.” To that, I’m sure he was surprised as well as happy to hear. He commented saying that he rarely hears me say that I am doing well, it’s usually me saying I’m doing terrible or it’s been a disaster.

Told him about:

• The strong medication – turns out it’s steroids
• Dr. Au Yeung and how I don’t really think he’s that nice because in comparison Dr. Wong is SUPER SUPER nice
• Feeling good, mood rising and feeling happy a lot of the time. Even sometimes too much energy, a bit ‘aggressive’ and overly excited. To that, he said I might be a little bipolar. Which I agree. He thinks he should cut down on the Effexor to reduce the stimulating effect, but decided against it because the Topamax amount isn’t ‘stable’ yet.
• Dry mouth. He said I can use orange juice or something sour to trigger saliva and keep my mouth ‘wet’.

He said he is inclined to change the diagnosis to bipolar from depression. It made me happy for a couple reasons. I’ve knew for a while now that I might be bipolar instead of depression, but I didn’t mention it to any doctors because I don’t want to be accused of ‘self-diagnosis’ or anything like that. But being labeled the ‘right thing’ is reassuring because it explains so much more of what I am going through ~ all the mood shifts and the treatment resistant depression.

It’s not a shock or anything to me. Being labeled as Bipolar also feels like ‘coming out of the dark side’. Depression seems dark and sad, whereas bipolar seems a bit more colorful and bright. It seems like the other side of the tunnel.

But for now, the diagnosis hasn’t changed yet. He still has to observe me a little bit more. I have a little bit bipolar symptoms but I still haven’t had a full-blown bipolar episode. At least not for a whole month or something. Or I’m a SUPER FAST ‘rapid cyclier’.

October 27: Accepting My Current Medical Chaos

Mom solved the chaos and the reason why I am still feeling itchy.

I’ve only stopped Lithium for 2 weeks. According to Dr. Fung, it takes 4 weeks for the medication to fully leave my system and rid itself of all the elements. So it will be another 2 weeks for me to stop itching. It is normal that I am still itching.

And as for the thirstiness, it might be a late onset of the side effects. Dr. Au Yeung made it very clear that Lithium’s side effect for thirstiness is much worse than that of Topamax’s. So then, the only possible interpretation could be that it’s a withdrawal effect of Lithium. Because I was taking Lithium on a continuous basis before, the my body was satisfied with the constant supply of Lithium and thus didn’t crave that much water. But once I stopped Lithium, my body got upset and started craving water. It doesn’t get what I am doing and so it tried to get as much water as it can whenever I have the chance. #non-medstudentinterpretation #applyingEDtheories #notsureifitiscorrectmedlogic

So for now, I am convinced and am willing to accept that:

• I will be itchy for two more weeks
• I am still feeling itchy because of Lithium
• Topamax is an innocent agent and has nothing to do with the thirstiness and the itching
• The thirst is attributed to the withdrawal of Lithium

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Last night I was also somewhat upset because I sort of ‘yelled’ at Dr. Fung over the phone and I felt like I wasn’t my most polite me with him when we ended the call.

I saw him in the afternoon, in which I told him to stop all the medication as per instructions of my psychiatrist. But then once I got him, I started itching all over. I felt lost and I didn’t know what to do. I was upset and frustrated because it was distracting and annoying. My mom saw and told me to call him to ask for the meds. It was close to closing time. That’s what the issue came from. Anyway, mom went out and got me meds, which I didn’t take.

Lithium Chaos Chronology

Week 13 (week of 26 November 2018)

• Starting to feel itchy again
• 70% like it was before taking the steroids
• Down to 1tab of steroids
• Week 13, last week of school
• Feeling panicy and nervous (as if about to go on stage for a speech), take Xanax almost every other day
• Feel like throwing up, dizzy (vision becoming white), weak – maybe from lack of sleep (?) – when not nervous

Topamax

• 50mg – 13 Oct
• 100mg – 1 Nov
• 150mg – 15 Nov

Steroids

• 3 tabs
• 2 tabs:
• 1 tab: 26 Nov

Lithium

• 330mg
• 660mg
• 600mg
• Stopped: 13 Oct

Comparison of Feelings with the Two Psychiatrists

Saw Dr. Au Yeung today. The more I see him, the more I think he changed. Or at least I think he changed. From my perspective. Maybe it’s because the first time I saw him I was so vulnerable that I ‘fell’ for him because he was the first person who called himself a ‘doctor’ and listened to all my ‘ugly’ parts. He listened and understood me. And that’s what I needed at that time. I needed someone to confide in and who wouldn’t go and tell my parents.

Now I’m ‘stronger’, and so maybe I’ve woken up and am more independent. And so maybe I don’t fall for these ‘connections’ and ‘soft feelings’ anymore. Or maybe it’s that he has changed in a year. Now he is louder. He doesn’t seem as patient as before. I get the feeling that he wants to get me out of the room. Ironically I find it more ‘relaxing’ and less of a rush being in MT Wong’s office than in his.

What upset me today is that, he disagreed with me on things that I honestly observed and experienced. I told him that I am drinking a lot more water because of Topamax. It is very very obvious. But he denied that. In his opinion, Lithium is the culprit and the worst medication. But in my mind, I like Lithium. He thinks it’s psychological. Yes, many things could be psychological. But the feeling of thirst? I don’t think so. And the increased amount of drinking insane. He didn’t even listen to me explain. He wasn’t interested. He just denied it. He believed in his medications so much. Before, I never noticed that his mindset/ stance is so strong about something. It’s upsetting that I don’t feel heard.

With him, I don’t feel like he really cares anymore. I feel like I am just another one of his patients. We don’t have a connection. He doesn’t want to listen to me. He just wants to know what he wants to know and he doesn’t do more. I don’t feel like he truly ‘likes’ me. Maybe he doesn’t. I feel like MT Wong does. He truly finds me interesting as a person and unique. He listens to my story, he is patient, he doesn’t interrupt me and he talks back to me. Also, maybe because of my inpatient time, that we met each day for 3 months and we talked for 30mins at a time, we built up a strong bond, a connection. I feel like he knows me as a person, not just a patient. If he sees me on the street, he will remember me and call my name.

Right now, I really need to feel cared and loved. This might be transference but this is one of the reason why I am still not willing to let go of MT Wong, although I am literally paying him out of pocket.

October 24: TLC #6 – Loneliness, Cried

What a therapy session today. I cried. First time with her. This is our second session talking about friends and loneliness. The session started out really well, I told her the ‘harvest’ from my week.

• Thursday: Saw her last time, felt lonely, no friends, no one to talk to all day at school
• Friday: Met up with Connie and Vitus for dinner. Felt so energized and amazing. I do have friends. I just forget I do sometimes because I’m not actively connecting with them. They still exist and they still care about me even though we are not actively talking to each other. Once we see each other, we talk, we laugh and we are like brothers and sisters. We understand each other so well. We are so honest with each other. Brutally honest. Beautifully honest. They make me feel loved and valued. I feel like I actually have a place in their lives, like I matter to them. I am someone to them.
• Today: Met up with my Spain trip friends for lunch. In my mind, I still envision myself being close with them. As close as we were when we were in Spain. I want to tell them things. I want to confide in them. I want them to understand me. I imagined telling them intimate and personal things. But when I saw them in person today, it felt different. The vibe felt different. They were happy and cheerful. It just didn’t feel like the right time.

Then she asked me how often I feel sad and lonely. That’s when I started getting teary. I didn’t expect myself to cry. I didn’t think I would cry! But I did. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. It was all too much. This has been an issue for me for soo long. For way too long. I’ve had to hold it in and push it back up against the way for too long. And because I have no friends, I have no one to talk to about it. That only makes matters worse.

The sensitive part was saying ‘80%’. As soon as the words left my mouth, I crumbled. That 20% was being with friends and at home with my parents. When I thought about the percentage, when I pictured that, I thought about school. And how I felt at school. All those times alone. Long hours. Still shoulders straight, backpack on, smile on my face, chin up and looking strong. A girl out to conquer the world. Who knew her, inside her heart was a crumbling wall.

I told her everything. I cried. I ugly cried. And I now, don’t even remember much of what I told her.

• Bandaged leg incident and only professor asked me about it
• Professor asking ‘how are you’ becoming the highlight of my day
• Not coming home to anything or anyone to hug or hold onto, like a puppy to greet
• Not having any meaningful conversation with anyone
• Having to put on a strong face for parents
• Lack of familiarity
• Don’t feel like I belong anywhere

What I do now to deal with loneliness

• Write on my blog
• Talk to teddy bear
• Cuddle with teddy bear
• Listen to music and make a list, to decide what to do –> write out my ‘thoughts and reasonings’
• Keep myself busy with work
• Read

Homework

• Imagine loneliness as a character, describe it
• How it makes me feel in that moment

 

Ice Skating Class Record (Session 2) – @Festival Walk

First Class (October 1, 2018)

• Revisited backward cross-over w/ continuous strokes
• T-stop
• Outside/inside edge half-circles

Second Class (October 22, 2018)

• Left-leg forward outside edge turn (3 turn)
• Right-leg forward outside edge turn (3 turn)

Third Class (October 30, 2018)

• A 3 turn practice sequence 8
• Mohawk left & right

Fourth Class (November 6, 2018)

• A ‘running start’ to Mohawk
• Corrected the foot position — need to position it in front of the other foot

Fifth Class (November 2018)

• Running start to Mohawk and adding 3 turn at the end

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SKIP (September 17, 2018)

• Day after typhoon, road blocked, traffic inconvenient

SKIP (September 24, 2018)

• Coach away, Mid-autumn festival

SKIP (October 8, 2018)

• Asked for a ‘break’ because didn’t practice all week
• Monday/Tuesday – full day of school
• Wednesday/Thursday – Skating Competition, rink not open to public
• Friday/Weekend – Way too many people

SKIP (October 15, 2018)

• Coach called off on the morning of class
• Family incident

SKIP (November 5, 2018)

• Coach called off, unexplained

Notes for Doc Appointment for Week of Oct 22

• Not sleeping well – sleep through the night, but not deep sleep. Feels light and confused when wake up. Maybe still not used to the new room, the opposite of the old room.
• Dry lips – have to keep on applying Vaseline
• Super thirsty – drinking x3 the water than I was when I was on Lithium
• Since October 20 – Panic/anxiety very high, heart rate, face red and hot, as if recognize someone you want to avoid in the crowd, that sudden feeling of panic
• Headache from stress
• Have a lot of energy, don’t feel tired
• Unable to relax, calm down

Panic/anxiety – feeling like there are a ton of things to do. One after another, and so I have to be very efficient and get them all done. I have to do them quickly, make the best use of time and not waste time by being slow at doing things that are ‘in between’ those tasks and not so important. I ‘forget’ to relax. Just the feeling and anticipation of having a ton of work.

 

October 18: TLC #5 – Building Support

Haven’t seen her in two weeks. 14 days. 14 long days. And I had been very occupied, very busy in terms of my mind and I have absolutely not thought about what we have thought about last time. I know should have. I should have done some work over the weeks and provide her with some kind of insight as to what needs more work.

I thought about it on the way there. I could lie and make up something. But what good would that do to me? Besides, she could possibly tell. I suck at lying. And she’s a psychologist. Not the best combination eh? I did feel bad for not ‘putting in the work’. Finally I decided to own up to it and tell her right away before wasting more time on it. Honesty in the best policy. I could tell she was a little disappointed. Maybe she prepared something for that session relating to it. Don’t know.

She asked me what was bothering me, and I told her, the lack of a support group, or friends.

• I feel like I have no friends. I want someone to talk to, someone other than my parents or my brother that I can be me and honest around.
• I don’t feel ‘loved’ or ‘cared about’ enough.
• Often have so many things going on in life and want to say it to someone but have no one to ‘listen’
• Have many contact on my phone, but when scrolling through the chats to look for support, no one seems ‘appropriate’ to contact

How do I know I need support: Feeling lonely, sad, feeling like I want to write on my blog

Want I do: Post like crazy on IG, drunk text ppl

Outcome: Not satisfactory, can even make me even more disappointed

Homework: Think of friendships that I want to work on and what I want to get out of each friendship

October 16: So Much Going On

I love thinking in analogies.

Know how my life feels right now?

Like I’m playing multiple games of Jenga at the same time, and all games are at the ‘final’ stages and I’m trying to hold all of them together, to prevent them from toppling over. Each game of Jenga is a different subject at school. Each block is an aspect of the course. With each week, more and more stuff is added to the tower, and with that, the tower becomes taller and more unstable and more shaky and more work and more care and more attention has to be given to it. I have to prevent them from falling. I cannot put all my focus on one, and neglect the others. It’ll be game over for me if any one of them falls. I am juggling between a number of them. Trying to balance my time and my energy and efforts. Not loosing any yet not excelling at any.

On the other hand I have external factors influencing the game. External factors yet crucial factors that have a significant impact on the success rate or the efficiency of the work done. I guess you can call that the environment, the temperature. Hot temperature. Doesn’t work. Okay, so, cooler temperature. Okay, so a little bit warmer? That’s all the tweaking in the meds. So annoying because of the itching and the switching of meds and all the ‘decisions’ and the ‘conscious’ reports I have to ‘give’.

It just feels like a lot going on right now. Trying to keep everything together.