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The Suicide Scale

September 12, 2019October 20, 2019

Emmengard – The Website

The Suicide Scale (English)

La Escala de Suicida (Español)

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August 31: I’m mediocre and will forever be.

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Tiffany W.

warriortiffany

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😐 feeling a little lonely and meh. I guess I’m just feeling this now because it’s past 12pm, and it’s Saturday- I allowed myself to not strictly follow my timetable, which I ended up not concentrating on work when I tried to do school work, and that made me feel unproductive and like I wasted my time. I think even though tomorrow is a Sunday, I will stick to my regular weekday timetable... maybe minus one ‘work’ time slot. I thought I’d have more of a flexible time during the weekend and have more fun, but it seems like that didn’t work out well. • • I’m also low key stressing and feeling anxious about my assignment that’s due April 6th (a 20 minute voice recording of a case analysis). I do have a plan, I will start on it as soon as I finish reading the required cases, which will be Monday. It’s not too late. But I can’t seem to be able to stop worrying about it.

TW - death (BUT no one is dead. My brother is good and alive! It’s just a dream) • • Last night I had a really scary and vivid dream. My brother died - he was playing ball with friends on a trip and fell on his head. He ended up in treatment but ended up dying. The main part of the dream was seeing my parents reacting to it. Seeing the death certificate was such a moment and flipping through the booklet of ‘death certificates’ that contained all his passports expired and current, passport photos, the doctors note on the incident and the death certificate and my dad’s note on how he was shaking from his body uncontrollably as he signed it. In the dream I was also dreaming, and I woke up in the dream crying, and told my mom that I thought my brother died. To which she said, he really did, I isn’t a dream. That was horrible, I cried even more. I was so sad because I realized it wasn’t just a bad dream and it was something I was afraid of, and I wouldn’t ever see him again. I would miss all the good memorises we had together. And what would I say if someone ask if I have siblings? Yes, I HAD a brother? Or say no? • • ANYWAY my brother is all good and alive. This dream was so scary. I’m gonna love him more now. I love him. I can’t imagine losing him. Now it made me realize how it would be if it was the opposite, if I was the one to have died. The sadness, the shock and the denial that would have come to the family. I now ‘know’ how it feels. It’s terrible, especially since you’ve made so many wonderful memorises with that person. And seeing everything will remind you of them. I can’t put my family through that. - not that I’m currently suicidal. But it’ll be something I’ll have to remember and remind myself of when that happens.

TW - food. So this quarantine/stay at home isn’t super hard for me since I don’t care about going out generally anyway. • But what is hard is maintaining a routine, especially being motivated enough to work and to feed myself properly. It’s just hard... skipping lunch, and snacking. Not binging but eating tiny amounts of food. • One positive from wearing masks is that I don’t have to do makeup! I always feel super self-conscious about my skin, my face, especially the area around my cheeks, chin... now I don’t have to worry about it at all since it’s all covered up by the mask. 😆😆

Today is my birthday, and I’m 24 now. I’ve never been happier to be alive. I wouldn’t have thought I’d say this 2 or 3 years ago. But I’m happy at where I am today. • I spent my birthday with my brother, at the mall, shopping. We laughed, we talked. It was easy and low-key. Birthday doesn’t have to be some tense or ‘sacredly-special’ day where nothing can go wrong. There doesn’t have to be that pressure.

I love my work ❤️ I work 3 days a week. It gives me purpose, a routine, there’s accountability, I’m getting closer and closer with the people at work, and I feel like I belong in that space. It feels like a family now. It might be ironic to say but I think it has helped my mood. 😊 • Look at the poster on the pole. This is near my office. Love seeing this every time I walk pass.

Went to my first DBT group yesterday. It was hard-ish and I felt slightly uncomfortable: 1. People were unexpectantly more talkative than I thought. They were more willing to volunteer examples and life experiences when asked. 2. I came straight from work and looked like this. It was hard to separate my ‘work’ self (aka the very confident, capable, adulting me) from the (vulnerable, sad, help-seeking, introspective me). I almost feel like a different person when I’m at work. Don’t know if that’s a persona that I have associated with work or it’s just ME. But I can say, with where I am in terms of work, I am where I dreamed to be years ago, when I was lost and struggling much more. 3. Some people already made ‘friends’ and we’re talking with each other during the break, while I was just sitting there alone. I didn’t know how to engage. I was trying to be ‘ME’ and just be comfortable, to see what it would be like- instead of pushing myself to be the super bubbly me (because I COULD do that, and then I will make friends). 4. I don’t know how to compartmentalise without triggering myself when I’m in a good headspace (no pun intended). I was doing well (so it’s hard to recall bad things or times when I’m struggling). I felt capable. Yesterday was such polar opposites - I went to court in the morning for work and in the afternoon I went to group therapy. How do I switch that ‘mood’ or sphere in my mind? Going from being very assertive and confident to being vulnerable and open.

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