OMG holy crap, what just happened?! I just had one of the most amazing afternoons EVER. Like, EVER. Met up with Alex at 12:00pm and from then on it was just chill. We met, and apparently he had lunch already, so he watched me Subway….awkward. But no. It was fine.
We sat at the outdoor fountain at the mall and talked for almost 2 hours. It was a really open, amazing and chill talk. We talked about everything, things that I don’t even usually talk about to people. There was no barrier, and the wall was down, I was comfortable and at ease and words just came out so easily.
We talked about not knowing how to address adults, life, my bracelets, ASMR water sounds, Sia and music, my life now, depression, suicide, eating disorders, weed….literally everything. Then we ran into Megan at the right time and we walked to my house.
We played board games. I showed him and explained every page of my scrapbook to him. WOW. I only did that for Trisha and him and it felt so nice to have someone to talk to about my scrapbook and express how I felt in that moment. So nice. Then we watched Fresh Off The Boat and Planet Earth. He left at 5:30pm.
It was a great afternoon because we were both relaxed, so I was able to see who he was and he got to see the real me.
There was something about him that made me feel relaxed and comfortable enough to be myself. I tried my best to be myself, to not act, not be fake and it worked. I talked about whatever and acted like myself. I dressed like myself, short shorts, comfortable T-shirt, converse and string bag. That’s the most ME look ever.
The water fountain is how I wanted meet-ups to be. Relaxed, and not necessarily about food. It’s about being in the presence of each other and the conversation. The conversation was deep, only because I let myself get there. He didn’t push it. We talked about mental health and everything. I talked to him like I talk to my brother, I just let my English flow and I didn’t think much about it.
I sat cross-legged, I told him when my leg fell asleep and I kept stomping my leg. I shifted around because I was comfortable. There were silences but it wasn’t awkward and we weren’t in a hurry to fill it with random meaningless words. We just sat there, listening to the rise and fall of the water from the fountain.
I think for the first time today, I got to see who he truly was. He isn’t this smart-ass kid who only talks in words longer than 5 letters. He was relatable and he was just as confused, stressed, struggling, silly and anxious as I am. As any person can get. He is this twenty-year old kid. There’s no magic in him, and he doesn’t have this shield of intelligence that reflexes anything dumb.
We talked about not knowing how to address adults and being awkward around them, and he said he had the same problem too! I told him I tried to kill myself and I feel depressed, he said me too! I told him about Sia and Beatles, and he didn’t know them! At home, I asked for cushions while watching Fresh Off The Boat, after passing me one, he took a couple! He likes pillows! He even laid on the sofa, relaxed. He was honest with me, he told me he has anxiety and how he bites his fingers. He told me how he thought about taking a break from school.
It feels good to be so open, so honest with someone. To talk and to truly relax. I trust him and he is a genuine person. I didn’t see that part of him in high school. And I guess he didn’t get a chance to see that part of me too. I didn’t let that happen because I was too busy being ‘perfect’, too busy with work. Now he sees the real me. And I think he likes it.
The Unspoken Truth 