Overheard a conversation between Ayi and my mom this morning. Ayi was telling my mom about how she’s worried that we might leave after Jono graduates and so she has to start looking for a job now. If she looks for a job after summer, then it will be too late.
I hated to eavesdrop on people and to know that she has concerns too, but I couldn’t not not listen. I wanted to know and I was concerned and sympathetic. I’m someone who puts a lot of feelings into things. She has been working for us for almost 4-5 years now and she’s one of the best. My mom likes her, trusts her and she knows the routine of our stuff and all.
I always thought her life was simple and ‘easy’ in that there isn’t much to worry about. Go to work each day, get paid, and use the money to buy food and repeat. I liked that kind of life. And that’s what I imagined her life was. I hate to know that she too has so much to consider and think about and worry about.
It sort of shattered my ‘impression’ of life. I hate life, I hate how we are always planning ahead, watching out for ourselves and having to consider other people. That makes everything much more complicated. So much problem and so much to think about.
I want a simple life. I always said I wanted to live on the countryside on a farm with grasslands and do nothing but read a book drinking tea and going for walks on the grass. Easy and simple life. That’s because I want to avoid trouble. I fear trouble. You can call me a coward and a trouble-escaper. Yes. I don’t care.
But now this shows me that it is kind of impossible to have a life without trouble. I don’t want to suffer anymore. I want to die. If I died, then I won’t have trouble anymore. There will be no more suffering, no more problems, no more struggles and things will be easy. Actually, there will be nothing.
The Unspoken Truth 